


how to know how you feel

by CarnalCoast



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Canon Compliant, First Kiss, Fluff, Friendship, Kingdom Hearts III Speculation, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Kingdom Hearts Dream Drop Distance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-14 15:36:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15391935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CarnalCoast/pseuds/CarnalCoast
Summary: When the fate of all the worlds is yet again in peril, Sora becomes confused about his feelings.





	how to know how you feel

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically "what I dream of happening in KH3 but I know won't actually happen." I really liked the Notre Dame world and I want to see pirate Riku okay? (Minor spoilers for like one thing in a KH3 trailer)

When Sora first arrived at La Cité des Cloches, caught in the throughs of an unknowing sleep, he could imagine a time where the streets were awake and bustling with people. Because it was strange to run past countless empty townhouses, to hear the echoes of cheers and incoherent conversations from people who weren’t there anymore.

It had been as if the world was flatlining. Now, it was breathing again, and Sora could starkly feel the difference. That’s why, even when he was sandwiched between three Heartless and begging Donald to cast Aerora, he couldn’t stop smiling. Everything was so much more vibrant and alive.

Eventually freed from his shadowy prison and having finished off the Heartless with a clean swoop of his Keyblade, Sora analyzed the situation. Goofy could hold his own—well, that was an understatement, he was raising hell on his corner of the street. Donald seemed to be having more trouble, but was making his way to Goofy for support. They’d be fine. That left…

Where was Kairi?

“Ugh!”

Hearing his friend’s grunt of surprise, Sora quickly turned and ran to the end of the street. She was beyond the corner, hissing through her teeth to brace against the pain of her singed shoulder and readying to defend against five mage Heartless.

“Kairi!” Sora shouted impulsively, jumping in front of her before she could respond. Their attacks didn’t hurt, not really. And with the both of them there, it didn’t take long for the Heartless to fade out. Sora never really thought, of anything, while fighting.

As she Thundara’d the last monster out of existence, Kairi turned her head in Sora’s direction, her Keyblade still held high and her expression gaining the cool composure that usually came with a successful battle. “Thanks, Sora.”

“Of course!” He responded with his regular cheer, resting his Keyblade over his shoulder and taking a few steps towards her. Battling with Kairi still made his eyes light up in excitement, as he hadn’t been there for most of her training. Sure, he’d heard that she had become a formidable wielder, but seeing it himself made his heart jump. Her only weakness was her eagerness, her knack for getting herself into overly threatening situations—this was the third time in this world alone.

The sound of quacking—laughter, to anyone who knew Donald—echoed throughout the alleyway, and Sora turned around to see the rest of his party standing at the corner, all Heartless banished. Donald cackled a bit more before sending a mischievous leer Sora’s way.

“I was wondering where you went off to! Trying to impress her _again_?” The wink wasn’t necessary—it was clear what Donald was thinking.

Sora sighed, face slightly pink with embarrassment, and shouted what was expected—“Oh, knock it off!”, followed by more of Donald’s laughter. Truthfully, he loved his friends, but the teasing about Kairi was getting old. There was once a time when it was fitting, a time when he wholeheartedly embodied the stereotype of a scrappy preteen with a poignant crush on the girl next door, but now it was just… _weird._ Not right.

Goofy seemed to have figured out Sora’s feelings, at least, and hadn’t participated in any such teasing since the start of their newest adventure. Currently, he was sending a cautionary look Donald’s way, but the duck didn’t notice. This had already happened three or four times, so Sora was used to it, but it still caused the corners of his mouth to taper down a little.

_“Sora… Don’t ever change.”_

Things had changed; he was done denying that. But why? Had he failed Kairi?

Did she know?

“Sora.”

Her voice was soft, only meaning to snap him out of his rumination. He hadn’t heard her coming up beside him. Their eyes met, and Kairi smiled. He smiled too, not knowing if she could tell what was going through his head, but wanting to mask as much of it as possible.

They carried on through the city, and he’d hoped this would be left behind them, but it became clear when they stopped at a café for crêpes that Kairi wouldn’t let it go this time.

“Oh, come on, Donald! We don’t have these at the islands—or anywhere else! I’ve always wanted to try!”

Since Kairi had started adventuring with them, it became apparent that she could get both Donald and Goofy to do whatever she said. Goofy insisted it was because she was technically a princess, but Sora knew that it was more so because she was Kairi.

Thus, they took a break, Donald and Goofy eating inside the shop while Sora and Kairi sat at a small, round table outside to enjoy the weather. Again, Donald laughed at the notion of giving them “alone time,” and Sora suppressed an eye-roll. Next time that duck was in trouble, he wasn’t getting a Curaga.

They spent the first five minutes in casual discussion about various techniques for fighting different types of enemies, with sporadic spurts of silence spent just enjoying the weather and food. It wasn’t often that they’d end up in a gorgeous city like this, after all. Eventually, Kairi cleared her throat and folded her hands, the motion sending a shock of apprehension down Sora’s spine as he swallowed his bite of chocolate and dough.

“Are you ready to talk about what’s been going on?”

Her expression was calm, unassuming, open, but that didn’t stop Sora from smiling nervously. “Do you mean, with Xehanort-?”

“No, I don’t mean that or our mission, Sora. I mean with Donald.”

Well, she clearly wasn’t going to let him get out of this. He should’ve expected it, he knew, but he still pursed his lips in defensiveness, a small pout forming.

“Wh-…What do you mean, Kairi?” His voice sounded so weak it almost made him wince, and Kairi, the picture of unimpressed, ran a hand through her newly short hair. Since it was cut, she couldn’t stop touching it when she was deep in thought.

“Look, if he’s bothering you, you or I can tell him to stop. Just be honest with your friends, Sora. You haven’t gotten this far keeping things from each other, have you?”

As always, she was right. When she was looking at him, so caring, of course she was right—and it made him feel even worse, because he’d _failed_ this amazing girl, right?

“You’re right, but…” He couldn’t help but look down, not wanting to see her face when they’d eventually have to face the truth of his… betrayal? Is that what his feelings did? “But he’s just talking about us, like he’s always done, I mean…”

“But he’s not right, is he?”

Shocked, Sora looked back up. Kairi didn’t look sad like he’d expected—just a bit worried. For him. As usual.

She kept going, steadfast, “And we’re not children anymore. It’s cute, yeah, but if it’s annoying to you—which I understand how it would be—then there’s no harm in telling him that he’s got it wrong.”

Sora blinked, taking time to process her words and still not completely understanding them. “Um… But it _shouldn’t_ annoy me, right? Because, it’s just in good fun, and of _course_ he would think that-…”

She sighed in frustration, resting her cheek on her hand and looking at him with persistent eyes. “Sora, it’s _okay_ for you to not like me in that way. What’s _not_ okay is to deny or hold back how you _actually_ feel. Could you please try to not do that—for me, at least?”

Speechless, he stared at her for a few seconds before looking down. So, she’d seen right through him? And she wasn’t upset?

“…I thought I’d let you down.”

The silence was hard to bear. After a moment, her hand covered his where it lay on top of the table, and he looked back up at her from the touch. She looked the same as she had, albeit a bit more worried.

“Why would you think that, Sora?”

“You… You told me to not change. And I did.” She looked like she was about to say something, but he kept going, unable to stop. “And all the promises we shared, still share, mean so much— _so much._ But, it’s different now, you know? I thought… I thought we’d be just like—like Beast and Belle, like Aladdin and Jasmine. When I was fourteen, that’s what I thought. And I was wrong, somehow, I guess, and you’re just sitting here like you _always knew that—_ ”

“Okay, I didn’t _always know that,_ Sora,” she cut in, just when his voice was getting raised in a panic, and he took a deep breath. Their hands held tighter. “I used to think that, too. But I realized, when we found Riku again—when the three of us were finally together again, I realized that wouldn’t happen. But what is truly meant to be is always better, Sora. I promise.”

“Wait, you knew since _then-?!_ ”

“Let me finish, Sora!” She squeezed his fingers so hard he yelped, and she glared slightly before continuing, “And when I told you to never change—that’s not what I meant. I meant for your heart, which connects and saves so many others, to never change. And _it_ hasn’t. Think of it this way…”

She smiled now, and his heart still managed to flutter a little at the fact that she was a part of his light. “We still love each other. And we always will. It’s not what we thought it would be—but that doesn’t change that we will always be together. You, Riku, and me. _That_ could never change, Sora.”

His eyes beaded with tears, but he laughed through them, and she followed, wiping them from his face. All of his anxiousness washed away with them. “…You’re amazing, Kairi.”

“I try.”

After they’d calmed down a little, Sora sighed, staring down at his unfinished crêpe. “Well, now I feel a bit stupid. I was over here thinking that you still liked me—and that I was just crazy, or something, for not feeling the same. How did you know? That we… weren’t meant to be, in that way?”

He looked up in time to see her look down too, her ocean eyes wandering around aimlessly in thought before landing on him again. Just as he was beginning to wonder _what_ was going through her head, she smirked. “Sora, if you still can’t figure it out, it really isn’t my place to tell you.”

“Huh?”

No matter how much he needled at her, she refused to tell him—not even a _hint_ —so eventually, he had to let it go. With her, at least. When it came to himself, his own feelings, he knew he wasn’t done just yet.

 

 

Sora didn’t like to pick “favorite worlds,” as they were all unique and special in their own way, but he had to admit that Port Royal fascinated him in a way that no others did. Being a swashbuckling pirate, searching the seas for adventure and treasure, neither hero nor villain, would always appeal to the young islander boy in him. And now—with his own pirate costume, and _Riku_ being here as well? He was giddy with excitement.

Kairi currently being back in Radiant Garden was a shame—if all three of them could be pirates together, Sora could die happy. Without the three of them together, it felt like something was missing. No matter how much time he spent on his own during his adventures, that would never change. But when he looked at Riku in his dashing black coat and bandana, he figured this was enough for now.

Especially when Riku was pushing him out of the way of an incoming attack—too close, again. Sora braced himself against their ship’s mast, breathing heavy and readjusting the grip on his Keyblade.

“Thanks, Riku!” he shouted, though it was lost in the sounds of battle. No one could ever hear anything clearly amidst Donald’s squawking, to be honest. That was fine, he thought.

As the fight continued, Sora could feel himself losing his edge, but he figured they’d make it out in time before he ran out of Elixers. He should’ve come more prepared, but how could he have expected Luxord to show up again?

“Sora, look out!” Goofy’s distinctive voice rose above the chaos, and Sora turned his head towards it just in time to face the tip of a sword centimeters from his face. He gasped, barely able to catch a glimpse of the pirate Heartless holding it before Riku took it out from the side with his Keyblade. Too close to the blast, Sora was knocked down as well, conscious but unable to see anything for a few seconds. Riku handled his new Keyblade with as much grace as he could, but that oversized thing was dangerous to be around regardless.

“Nice save, mate. I was, er, just about to step in myself…” Though blinded and winded, Sora could still hear Jack’s nonchalant voice pipe up from their left. If he could breathe easier, he’d be laughing.

He heard Riku’s response as he was getting to his feet, vision returning. “Don’t bother. It’s my job to protect what’s most important to me, after all.”

“Fair.”

Another Heartless, thankfully weaker, immediately showed up to his right, so Sora had no choice but to dive back into battle without a word. However, unlike most times he was fighting, his thoughts were running wild.

_“It’s my job to protect what’s most important to me, after all.”_

Most important to Riku? Did he mean his friends? That must’ve been what he meant, of course…

But, how many times did Riku step in to help Goofy or Donald? Sora had never seen him do that, not even once. He would do it for Kairi, no doubt, but both he and Sora had been bent on protecting her since they met her, so…

Besides, the three of them hadn’t fought as a group since… The World That Never Was. So it wasn’t as if he could compare how many times Riku had jumped to protect either of them. But even if he could, to be honest, Sora doubted his number would be lower than Kairi’s. The amount of times Riku had blocked an attack for him, or yanked him out of the way of an incoming blow, was well into the hundreds—and vice versa. It was just something they did. He never had to think about it.

Funny, now he couldn’t _stop_ thinking about it. Why?

“Pay attention, Sora!” Donald squawked, and Sora blocked on instinct, narrowly missing another jab to the head. His heart was running a mile a minute. Just because of the battle, though. Right.

Later that night, he found himself at the helm, steering their ship in an effort to distract himself from his insistent thoughts. Jack had been rather apprehensive at first about giving him the reigns, but he was a quick learner and had always wanted to do this. It was exciting, to feel like a real captain.

It also gave him an excuse to not follow the rest of his friends—including Riku—below deck, so there’s that. Not that he was actively avoiding any of them. When the battle ended, he’d thanked Riku for having his back, and nothing seemed out of place. Sora was almost expecting him to mention the “what’s most important” remark, but he was acting completely normal. Maybe he didn’t know that Sora had heard him? Or maybe he did, but didn’t care because they were best friends and what’s weird about caring for your best friend?

Why did this matter so much?

He’d only go crazy if he kept thinking in circles like this. Sighing, he leaned over and rested his chin on the wooden wheel, staring out into the stars. So many worlds. He almost felt like he was on Destiny Islands again, just out at sea. It was a comfort to his fatigued mind.

“Let me take over for you, mate.”

Nearly jumping out of his skin, Sora straightened up before reluctantly allowing Jack to nudge him to the side. It was bound to happen; Jack was the real captain.

Eyes fixed precisely on the horizon, Jack steered effortlessly around the currents. “Something on your mind?”

Sora blinked up at him. He wasn’t surprised that someone had noticed how spacey he was acting, but hadn’t expected Jack to be the one to bring it up. Not that the man seemed too concerned.

“Just… thinking about things. Since that last battle, I’ve been feeling, um, restless.” He could just leave it at that and bow out of the conversation, but he didn’t want to go below deck just yet.

“You seemed that way _during_ the battle too, but what do I know, right?” Jack kept his blasé tone of voice, so Sora knew he didn’t really care, but it still stung a little. As a team, it was given that they’d all rely on each other, but that battle was especially rough. He didn’t want to make it a habit. But how could he control his thoughts?

“Go get some rest.”

Maybe that was best. Sora _really_ didn’t want to go face his friends right now, but he supposed there was no choice to be made. He floundered and pouted next to Jack for a few moments before finally nodding and making his way below deck, Jack’s patronizing chuckling pushing him away.

It was rare to get a moment of reprieve at a time like this, so Sora figured he should be happy to relax, but he felt the exact opposite as he entered their quarters. Donald and Goofy didn’t notice him, seemingly busy organizing their inventory in a far corner of the room. Once upon a time, Sora would’ve been irritated that they’d do that without him, but at this point they’d traveled together so frequently that they knew each other’s preferences just as well as their own.

Riku saw him, however, as he was sitting on the nearest bed, making sure his Keyblade didn’t have any dents or scratches. Sora hadn’t checked his own Keyblade in ages, and he felt another wave of disappointment in himself. Things were shaping up to be more calamitous than ever, and he was still acting incompetent. He could practically hear Yen Sid’s stern reprimanding in his head.

Apparently, it showed on his face. “Hey, you okay?” Riku asked, though he turned back to look at his Keyblade. Good—then he couldn’t see the way Sora’s face got a little pinker. For some reason, hearing Riku’s voice made his heart beat faster again. It also made him feel incredibly stupid.

“Yeah, fine.” Thankfully, he sounded normal. At least, to his ears. He took a seat next to his best friend, eager to try and move on from whatever this day had turned into.

Best friend. He didn’t know why, but he had to keep repeating that to himself. His best friend.

After a minute or two of silence, Sora simply watching Riku perform maintenance, Riku leaned his Keyblade against the wall and faced him again. With the distraction out of the way, Sora got a little more nervous, especially as Riku began speaking. “That last fight was just… rough. You had that look on your face like you were thinking too much about something.”

Sometimes, Sora hated just how well Riku knew him, could pick apart his expressions at a glance. It made sense; they’d known each other almost their entire lives. But half the time, Sora couldn’t even _guess_ what was going on in Riku’s head if he was honest with himself. Was he just that easy to read? Or was Riku just impossible to read?

“You’re doing it again.” A hint of humor colored Riku’s voice, and Sora huffed, a pout forming on his face.

“Yeah, yeah, so? I’m allowed to think about things. Thinking is a natural part of being human!” He deflected, crossing his arms over his head and laying back on the bed.

“True, but it’s not supposed to put you so close to death.”

Sora glared up at the ceiling, trying to find a response. Riku was always right, wasn’t he? His mind suddenly felt blank, which was refreshing.

“When you said that you were protecting what’s most important to you… What did you mean?”

Woah. He didn’t want that to come out of his mouth. Why did he say that? He breathed in sharply, barely a gasp, but didn’t sit up. Instead he turned his head just enough to see Riku’s face.

His surprise was evident, though not alarming. Still, Sora held back a cringe. There was no going back now. The seconds of silence between them were palpable and awkward, before Riku finally blinked and said, “What do you mean?”

Sora sat up, biting back a groan of frustration. He might as well try—something, anything. Maybe this would help clear up his thoughts. “Just—in the battle, when you got rid of that Heartless for me, and told Jack… Just, that’s what you said. What did you mean?” Well, he could’ve explained that better. But his tongue felt clumsy in his mouth.

Riku’s eyebrow twitched, eyes narrowing, and Sora noted with faint dismay what that could mean. Annoyance, apprehension, despondence? He was still too hard to read.

“I was just helping you out, Sora. It doesn’t mean anything that deep.”

He hated how much it hurt to hear Riku say that.

 

 

By the time they made it back to Yen Sid’s, for the first time since they set off on this mission, everything finally makes sense. The realization isn’t monumental or groundbreaking—everything just falls into place gradually, and Sora’s brain seems to say “Oh,” and that’s that.

And now it was night again, all of his friends sleeping in separate rooms, a short respite until they set out again tomorrow, and he stayed awake, staring at the ceiling and rationalizing everything he’s ever felt and done in his lifetime. The warmth he felt at Riku’s touch. Crying at Riku’s feet. Seeing Riku’s smile and feeling like he could die right there, happy. Hearing his laugh and almost breaking down in relief that he was _here._ Wanting to hold his hand. Needing to see his eyes.

It all made sense now, and he wondered why he didn’t notice it before. Maybe because of Kairi—but he didn’t want to put that blame on her. It wasn’t as if she actually _did_ anything. She was great. It was just him, assuming and thinking the wrong things.

Either way, he knew the truth now, and he couldn’t sleep. For some reason, since their shared mastery exam, Sora’s dreams felt empty. Riku’s absence from them was distinct, and he always woke up feeling lonely. Now, with his realization, he felt like he could do something to change that.

He felt even more restless than before, actually. Happy that he could say, _I love Riku._ Apprehensive at what Riku would think, if he knew. Scared of their battle ahead. It seemed as if so much more was at stake now. What if he _lost_ Riku?

That thought hadn’t crossed his mind, until now, and he told himself there was no way. But it didn’t stop the panic from creeping up on him. Suddenly, his bedroom felt darker, smaller, farther away from everyone else. He breathed heavily and sat up.

He’d just—go see if anyone else was awake. Yeah.

It felt less dark once he stepped out of his room; the fires from Merlin’s hall lights could never be blown out. Sora still held onto his arms, feeling rushed and unsafe as he walked two doors down to Riku’s room. He’d thought to himself, anyone, but he knew he would check on Riku first.

Not bothering to knock this late, he cracked the door open and slid in with minimal noise. The desk lamp was still on, which didn’t surprise him. Riku wasn’t fond of total darkness. Sora could relate, at this point. Maybe he should keep a light on at night too.

His best friend—crush? Was Riku his crush, too, now?—was still awake, which brought a relief to Sora’s heart that he immediately felt a bit ashamed for. He shouldn’t be happy that his friend was having trouble sleeping.

Riku got out of bed as soon as he entered, and as he got closer Sora noticed his eyebrows tightening with worry. “Sora, what’s wrong? Did something happen?” His voice was low, a reminder of just how late it probably was. Sora hadn’t looked at the clock.

He didn’t understand why Riku seemed so nervous, though, even if it was late. “Wh-… What do you mean? Nothing happened.” He wasn’t prepared for the crack in his voice, for how tired he sounded, and he dropped his arms from where he’d been holding them. Riku was in front of him now, and he was already starting to feel better.

“Oh. You’re just pale. Come sit down or something.”

Reveling in feeling safe again, Sora let Riku lead him to the bed, and when they sat down Riku didn’t let go of his hand. His heart swelled up.

They were silent for a while, and Sora didn’t know what Riku was thinking, but he was content to be quiet. Holding his hand, their knees slightly touching side by side, was enough. Warmth flowed into him, permeated his entire body, and he got the urge to lean his head on Riku’s shoulder. Before he could, Riku finally broke the silence, still staring at him with slightly concerned eyes.

“So, why are you here? Not that you aren’t welcome, but… It’s just late. You should be asleep.”

Sora smiled back at him, and finally didn’t have to think. “Hey, so should _you_.” Falling back on their familiar banter was comforting in these times.

As expected, Riku scoffed at him, the beginnings of a smile barely gracing his face. Most people probably wouldn’t notice it. “I was trying. Can’t.”

Could it be nightmares, or was it just the same feeling of impending doom that was haunting Sora? He felt like it was better to not ask. “…Me neither.”

“Hm,” Riku huffed, averting his eyes. Sora was surprised that their hands had stayed clasped this long. “…Well, did you want to talk about it?”

Unconsciously, Sora squeezed Riku’s fingers, and was again relieved when Riku didn’t cringe or pull away. Maybe this was the way to go. “Yeah. If you don’t mind listening.”

“Of course I don’t, Sora.”

There was a time where Sora would’ve kept this stuff from his best friend—wanting to impress him so much that being this vulnerable was a death sentence, because what would Riku think of him being so weak? It was strange how different things were, now. Maybe this is what Kairi meant about change being good.

Talking seemed easier now, but he still had to look at the floor instead of Riku’s face. “I just… Am scared, I guess. The fate of everything is on our shoulders. I’m not alone—I know. But that’s the thing. You guys mean so much to me, and I’m just now thinking about the possibility of… losing you.”

This time, Riku was the one squeezing Sora’s hand, and it made his spine tingle. “…I know how you feel. Believe me.” The severity in his voice pulled Sora’s eyes back to him, and the seriousness on his face made Sora’s heart dip. “But, we can’t falter now.”

“…Yeah. We can’t, I know.” It seemed like Riku was going to leave it at that, so Sora pressed on. “And I won’t, not now. But… before the final battle, I guess, I just don’t want to regret anything, you know? I want to look at all of my friends, my family, and feel happy that I haven’t kept anything from them, or anything like that…” Well, this was getting dangerous.

Riku was looking at him with something like suspicion in his eyes now. “That’s awfully specific. Is there something in particular you would regret?”

And that was awfully direct, but Sora supposed he couldn’t complain. “Just… I want to be more open with my feelings. Not that I’m purposefully hiding anything! But, I dunno…” He sighed. Should he just come clean and tell Riku? That wasn’t what he’d planned on doing, but… His heart wanted to sing it, ever since he’d realized. And he was a sucker for following his heart.

Suddenly, Riku blinked and there was no longer any misunderstanding on his face. The certainty made Sora’s eyes widen a little. Did he know?

“I know what you’re getting at. Look, you should just tell Kairi how you feel. I’m surprised you haven’t done it already.”

Oh.

His mind going blank, Sora instinctively shook his head and clenched his fingers around Riku’s, now intent on making him _see._ “N-No, no, that’s _not_ it at all, Riku! No. I, uh, I wasn’t talking about her.”

Riku’s eyes clouded with confusion, a frown gracing his lips. Sora’s stomach twisted. “You…”

Before he could say anything more, Sora turned entirely to his friend and continued. There was no going back now and, despite what he knew in his heart, rejection still scared him. If there was even a chance, a hope, he wanted to know. “Riku. You—tell me the truth. You said you know how I feel. Are you afraid of losing people too?”

The pink on Riku’s cheeks, however slight it was, was telling. “Yes, Sora—”

“Who?” He wouldn’t let up. He almost felt sorry for his friend, with how nervous he was suddenly seeming. But he also felt hope.

After seeing Sora’s determined eyes, knowing there was no way out, Riku sighed. “…You, Sora. I’m afraid of losing you. And Kairi. But what does that have to do with—?”

“I’m afraid of losing you too, Riku. I said, I don’t want to regret anything.” Their hands were still together, and he used that to ground him.

Riku’s eyes were wider, and he was looking like he wanted to _bolt,_ and Sora held his breath. “Wh-… What are you trying to say?” But Sora _knew_ he knew now.

“I… I just really love you, Riku.” His voice cracked, and he momentarily hated himself for that. But at the same time, it felt so good to say. The warmth from Riku’s hand felt so good. “I love you.” He had to say it again. He knew he was probably a blushing mess right now, but it was a relief to speak it out loud.

“…I… I love you too, but again, what does that have to do—?”

He was going to lose it, he swore.

“I don’t _mean_ as friends, Riku! I _love_ you!” He glared, glared up at Riku’s surprised expression, no longer caring about repercussions and just wanting him to _believe_ it. “You’ll always be my best friend, but it’s more than that—I love you more than that.”

Seeing Riku caught off guard, vulnerable, was always a strange experience for him.

“Wh-… What about Kairi?”

It was exhausting to have this brought up again. “I _said,_ I don’t like her in that way. I love her, she’s my best friend too, but I’m not in love with her! Riku, it’s you.”

That seemed to finally get him. He breathed out, and Sora delighted in the way his hand clenched. “I just thought… It always seemed like you would end up with her.”

Sora almost laughed, but he settled for grinning tiredly. “I thought that too. For a while, really. But I realized, I was sort of deluding myself.”

When Riku didn’t respond quickly, merely staring at Sora as if he were in a dream and was afraid to break the illusion, Sora’s grin faded. Though Riku didn’t look disgusted or angry, he didn’t look happy either.

Clearing his throat, hoping to hide the hurt he felt, Sora looked away. “So. Yeah, that’s how I feel about you. I just wanted to tell you. Thanks for hearing me out, and not being weirded out or anything.”

“S-Sora.” For being so silent a few seconds ago, Riku suddenly looked like he had plenty to say, his eyes wide and cheeks turning red. “Don’t… I, uh… I feel the same way,” was all he could choke out, but it was enough to make Sora’s heart skip a beat.

“You—what? Really? …Riku!” Once it sunk in, he couldn’t help it, his eyes shining and a grin overtaking his face. He’d never _imagined_ that this is how the night would end up, and here they were… And Riku loved him. They loved _each other._ He felt like a five-year-old little boy again, looking at his best friend with pure adoration.

He wrapped his arms around him in an abrupt hug, and though Riku flinched at first, he held him back with just as much vigor. They stayed like that, Riku’s arms tightening around Sora’s waist.

“I… can’t believe this isn’t a dream. I have to be dreaming right now,” Riku breathed shakily next to his ear, and Sora buried his face in his shoulder. He knew Riku still felt guilt—about a lot of things—and he didn’t want that to extend to this.

“It’s not a dream. It’s real.” His voice was muffled, but he was sure Riku could hear it.

When they separated, Sora stubbornly stayed halfway on Riku’s lap, looking to him imploringly. “How long have you felt this way?”

Again, Riku looked as if he wanted to be anywhere but here, and Sora held back a frown. Though it was also cute, the way he blushed. “Uh…” He looked down, seemingly glaring at nothing, before looking back into Sora’s eyes with resolve. “I’ve always felt this way about you, Sora.”

Sora’s mouth parted in surprise, mind blanking. “Always? Like, forever?”

“As long as I can remember. You’re my whole world. I mean…” His face got redder, and he glanced to the side, but continued, “You’ve always been the most important thing to me. I’ve always loved you, and I always will. That’s all there is to it.”

“Always…” Sora felt his face get hotter as well, but he was more giddy than embarrassed. He held onto Riku’s arms, heart pounding. “If you knew, why didn’t you ever tell me?” His mind flashed to their time in Port Royal. “Why did you keep it from me?”

A sigh. “…Because, Sora. Even you said that you thought Kairi was the one for you. And after everything I’ve done, why would I think to bring this to you? It’s not like it was something easy to accept, myself. Just being by your side, protecting you, would be enough. As long as you’re happy. That’s enough for me.”

When he got the courage to look back at Sora, his breath stalled in his throat. Sora’s deep blue eyes were glassy, as if about to tear up, the corners of his mouth turned down.

“…Wouldn’t be enough for _me,_ ” he mumbled. It was all he could get out before leaning in for another desperate hug, which Riku reciprocated without thinking. “You’re so good, Riku. So good. I don’t get how you can’t see that.”

Riku didn’t respond, didn’t know what to say, and they stayed stuck together in silence. Sora twisted so he was sitting sideways across his lap, laying his head on his shoulder and staring at the shadows on his neck. The dimly lit room felt to him like their own cocoon, shielding them. He couldn’t remember the last time they’d cuddled like this; it must’ve been at least four years ago, maybe longer. But it was familiar and like home.

It could’ve been five or fifty minutes that passed; Sora couldn’t tell, caught in their own little world and not willing to leave. When he finally lifted his head, just now starting to feel the affects of the late hour dragging at his eyelids, Riku was looking at him. He could’ve been this whole time. Sora smiled.

“Can I kiss you?” He was a mixture of nervous, excited, and tired, and Riku looked to be the same when he heard the question.

“…Only if I can kiss you back.” It was such a _Riku_ response, Sora almost laughed. They were already holding each other, only having to lean in, which they both did slowly.

His lips were warm and soft, easy to melt into, and their arms linked closer around each other. He felt Riku’s heartbeat thumping across his own chest, fast and hard, and he knew Riku could probably feel his too. He tilted his head, and Riku responded by pushing harder against him. This was right, for their lips to be slotted together. More “right” than he’d felt in a long time.

When they parted, Sora couldn’t help but smile, and then Riku couldn’t help but follow, which only made Sora happier. Their faces stayed close, waiting for a second kiss.

“…You know, when you said I get a look on my face, when I’m thinking… You have a look, too,” Sora offered instead, smile broadening when Riku’s turned into a smirk.

“Yeah? What is it?”

“Like, right now. Whenever you look at me. You look all amazed and like you’re in wonder. It’s cute.”

Expecting Riku to be embarrassed by his theory, Sora was confused when Riku kept on looking at him with fondness. “And you still couldn’t figure out how I feel, right?”

Quickly, he started pouting, cheeks heating up, and hit Riku on the shoulder when the other boy started laughing. “I get it. I’m dumb. Ha ha.”

His laughter trailed off, and he looked to Sora with a smile. “Sorry. You’re just a bit oblivious sometimes, that’s all.”

“Yeah, yeah. Hey, can I stay here the night? I’m getting tired and…” When Riku’s eyebrows raised a little, Sora held his hands up frantically. “Ju-Just sleep, you know! Just… cuddling is… nice. Uh. And I want to be near you…” When Riku merely kept staring at him, smiling, he trailed off weakly.

“…You done? Of course you can stay here, Sora.”

The relief Sora felt at that sentence was visceral; he didn’t want to go back to his lonely room, where the fate of the universe rested solely on his shoulders and everyone was going to die and… Yeah. Those thoughts would surely plague him in his sleep. But Riku had the power to protect him from nightmares.

They each took a side of the bed and met in the middle, the lamp staying on without anything said. Sora laid his head against Riku’s shoulder, staring at his hair. He remembered being so young and thinking it was so pretty.

“…What do you think is going to happen? In the end…” Sora whispered, feeling the nonsensical urge to be quieter even though both of them were awake.

Riku sighed, staring at the ceiling. His eyelashes were pretty too, Sora thought.

“…I’m not sure, really. But whatever does happen, we’ll do all we can. And I love you.” He grunted softly as soon as he said it, surprised at himself. Sora’s heart skipped a beat as well. He hadn’t been expecting that, but hearing it out loud…

“I love you too.”

It made him feel like everything was going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, leave a comment etc if you want! Also follow/contact me on tumblr @kokichijpg, I need more KH mutuals. <3


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